Shelby Thomas's "i should have taken an ambien" experiments with a stream-of-conscious narrative in the form of a journal or diary entry. The narrative has several movements, suggesting a structure of ideas. And while there is no punctuation or capitalization, line-breaks seem to suggest shifts in ideas and sentences.
While I like that there is an attempt at coherency within the piece, I think it is necessary for something like this to jar the reader. For instance, I liked the ambiguity in "of course they werent exactly the same clothes he had navy blue button ups and pairs of army green pants but only one or two belts and pair of boots since you dont have to wash those people think I'm being ridiculous when i tell them this but i know its true because he told me[.]" In the words "have to wash those people" the two sentences run together to make a subtle joke. Things like that will work better if you let the whole piece run unbroken. You could separate ideas by writing several entries.
Overall, I think it is a good idea with moments and sections that shine. Now the task is to find out what works about those moments and try to extrapolate them for the whole.
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