I think this is an excellent start to a story. For the most part, the narrative explains and withholds information in a way that does not keep the reader confused. It would be nice to have the age of the football players up front. We know this is grade school, but whether the students were in Middle-school or high school makes a difference in the way that the student going to jail will be charged.
Voice: I think its done well here, and particularly so from the student’s perspective. But again, defining age would help clarify some things that come up as issues. From the voice I assumed the character was African American, which I think is a safe assumption, though any hard-core Yat might very well speak in such a way. But the more important distinction in the two voices is either A: proper v. improper speech or B: unreliable v. authoritative. This is not because I believe either to be so, that just seemed to be how the story reads. And I think that leaving out the races of the characters can either play to your favor or against you. Toni Morrison wrote some wonderful stories that play with a persons perceptions of black and white. In one story whose name escapes me, There are two girls growing up together, and we constantly shift in our heads which one is black and which one is white based on the circumstances they are subjected to. Because we associate certain things with success and certain things with failure, we realize that we tie those things in race. The story does not end on a conclusive note in Morrison’s case. Her conclusion was the feeling the reader develops: insecurity about his/her own prejudices.
One thing that could be improved: The story relies so much on this event that was separate from the characters. Give us more about these two or three people, so that we can see more conflict between them.
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